They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch (notably disproven on April 23, 1831 in Antwerp, Belgium). They would also probably say the same about museums. If “they” were to accompany my esteemed colleague Andy Reed and I to our nation’s capital on Jan 6, 2012, “they” would probably be shocked by the propensity of such free museums, as well as the disarmingly mild January weather. Over the next few months, we’ll give you critical insights into the ways that your idle self can spend time in DC for substantially less than what you would spend at one of those cupcake places.
Departing the Smithsonian Metro Station, we drew out the first plans of attack- find a camera store or convenience store of comparable stock. Andy, being the Forgetful Franny that he is, neglected to bring a memory card for his trusty Canon camera. You’ll just have to forgive our complete lack of photographic evidence and take our words for the events that transpired. Sensing our collective low morale and high appetites, we put the camera store quest on hold to stop and get a bite (“dunch”, if you will) at the Pizza Autentica. Fueled by the warmth of both the delicious pizza and our time together, we set off.
Andy: I think we’re lost.
Reid: Maybe. Let’s keep walking.
Such was a typical exchange that characterized the next hour. Sensing a suspicious dearth of camera stores, we eventually bushwhacked our way to a CVS Pharmacy. Splitting the cost on a suitable memory card, fate and street signs we vaguely recognized sent us off due east.
As we passed the Office of Law Enforcement, a centipede-like string of orange-jumpsuited figures began marching out of the structure. Initially assuming this to be another routine mid-day prison transfer, its true nature revealed itself by the black hoods and “STOP TORTURE NOW” design emblazoned on their backs. Missing what could’ve been a prime journalistic opportunity, we took appropriate note of the protest demonstration, and then moved on. Science called.
After further navigationally-misguided misadventures, we eventually trudged through the security checkpoint at the Smithsonian Air & Space Museum. We now have evidence of our travails- watch the video, it’s bunches of fun.
The first thing that caught our eyes was the rockets. They’re very, very big. As our gaze slowly drifted toward the very conical tops of the great interstellar transports, I found my spirit being wistfully directed heavenward, sensing the primal inclination towards the skies that even the most bottom-feeder Neanderthal has ruminated on and rationalized using charts and graphs. Andy abruptly cut me off.
We found ourselves drawn towards the replica Skylab Orbital Workshop, a popular attraction at the Smithsonian. For the span of a couple minutes, you’re able to walk through the very cramped quarters that astronauts spend years in, exercising themselves on what appear to be the skeletal remains of miniature ponies. The vacant stare of a prosthetic astronaut dummy behind the glass case onboard revealed the long stretches of isolation that characterize the astronaut’s life, its rubbery dull tan skin as lifeless as the unceasing, unfriendly void which surrounds him. Of course, this aspect is lost on those in a state of technological social dependence, which I’ve just been told is most people in developed countries who aren’t astronauts or lepers.
Seeking to orient ourselves both in the museum and the overall cosmos, we headed towards the “Exploring the Universe” exhibit. Even in the confined space that enclosed the exhibit, the sense of cosmic insignificance was prevalent, as the present charts and exhibits daunted our combined intellect to a mental fetal position. We made way for the more child-friendly “How Things Fly” exhibit.
After spending what Andy thought to be far too much time pretending to fly the stationary mock biplane, we took the opportunity to interview two of the Smithsonian’s “Explainers”, Rose and Ben. They told us of their background interest in science and how it led to their current position. Rose stated that she learned about the position from her “high school science teacher, who told [her] about the program”, adding that her initial path of study was neuroscience, but eventually led to electrical engineering. Ben started working at the program “out of high school, and [is] currently studying physics at Rice University”. Despite some minor qualms, both Rose and Ben expressed great enthusiasm for their positions, with Rose stating that despite having to “be energetic and smile for an entire day” the job was quite fulfilling, with a “parent’s thank you after the presentation” being a highlight.
After a dozen or so minutes alone in the stationary flight simulator, what I’m pretty sure was the voice of God informed us that the museum would be closing in ten minutes.
Move over, feeding the pigeons in Dupont Circle. Our nation’s capital has more to offer in the way of monetarily-lacking diversions than would so seem- throughout the next few months, we’ll give you a glimpse into the multifaceted underbelly of Washington, DC. Stay tuned.
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